New Belgium to open brewery in Florida?

Dear readers,

As the calendar page has turned, I felt it necessary to identify the following post as an April Fool’s Day spoof. I strove to make it as effective as possible by sprinkling truths and half-truths among outrageous fictions. For instance, New Belgium is seeking a location for an East Coast brewery, and Philly and Asheville are the leading contenders. But the company has never mentioned Florida as a possible location.

There is plenty of space in the Everglades, true. However, though one or two politicians in the state and nation would probably love to sink some wells in the protected national park area, there are no real plans to do so, and it’s certainly not anything that the environmentally aware New Belgium would want any part of.

The part about the weird-tasting tap water? Well, that’s pretty much true.

I felt it necessary to add this prologue, not to point out how clever my writing is  – that’s for you to decide – but because some people did not seem to “get it” even on All Fool’s Day itself. So rather than create confusion among anyone who stumbles across this post in the future, this explanation has been written.

The fact that some people so easily embraced this fantastic yarn as truth does demonstrate that Floridians are extremely eager to see New Belgium beer on their store shelves. Are they listening?

Too bad, Philly.

Tough luck, Asheville.

One possible location for New Belgium's Florida brewery.

In an announcement that stunned the craft beer world, New Belgium Brewing, based in Fort Collins, Colorado, squashed rumors this morning that it would open an East Coast brewery in one of those cities, announcing instead that the new facility will open in Florida.

“For the past 15 years, we’ve been telling Floridians that our beer would be available in their state ‘in about two years.’ Face it, we owe those people,” said a spokesperson who asked to remain unnamed because the final contracts have not been signed.

Reportedly, the employee owned, alternatively powered makers of Fat Tire Ale will build the plant in the middle of the Everglades.

“There’s plenty of room, labor’s cheap, and we’ll be able to power our brewery from the natural gas wells that we’ve heard are going to be drilled there,” the spokesperson said.

What really put Florida on New Belgium’s radar, though, was the water available through the municipal water systems.

“We put it through some tasting tests,” the spokesperson said. “One day it tasted like sulfur, the next day it tasted like chlorine and the day after that, it had a funky odor like unwashed socks. The possibilities of working with random factors like that are exciting.”

The brewery is expected to begin operations by April 1, 2014. Beer will be distributed throughout the Sunshine State two years after that.
 

FLORIDA BREWERY MAP AND LIST

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